she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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