I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
