you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
