stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize