I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
