I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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