i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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