She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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