we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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