Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
