I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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