The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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