If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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