Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize