thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
