I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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