Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
