I think I died a long time ago.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
