I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
