I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
