I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
