Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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