alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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