I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he thought i was a dude.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The air taste purple.
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