oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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