Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
