Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
