Soap is not a condiment
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
