guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
