Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
