One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i think i just lost a toe
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
