I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
