All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sarcasm needs its own font
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
