Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
