It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
