He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i wish my penis had a tongue
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
