We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
