If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
