Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
