my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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