Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
