you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
