The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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