Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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