My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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