The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
