I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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