dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize