I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
