Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
