genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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