My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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