hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
