then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
