I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
