It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I need a beard to bite.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
