It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
don't judge my taste in strippers
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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