I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish you could order shots online.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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