ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
