She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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