you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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