if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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