Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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