the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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