she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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