Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
