If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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